Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in viciousj60172's LiveJournal:

Friday, November 23rd, 2007
11:35 am	Bitterness minus the Sweet  I totally forgot I had this little site over here. It's been over 2 years since I've bothered to post something here... it's sat silent - so quiet you could hear a mouse get an erection.  And yet I think it's here I want to post my musings of a failed relationship and the bitterness that succeeds in engulfing me. I had another dream last night.  While the lurid details aren't as vivid as they normally are I remember the scene being set as the two of us sat in a car and she proceeded to make me feel like shit.  I can't remember exactly how she did that but the whole situation was a hyperbole of the moments we had shared before where her attitude towards me was just icy enough to smack of uncaring coldness (not that I know of a "caring coolness").  I just remember sitting there in the passenger seat trying to turn myself farther and farther away from here... I wanted her to feel just how badly she was making me feel and I was quite unsuccessful in that task.  At last we had reached wherever our destination was and I did something I haven't really ever done with her in these kinds of dreams... I stood up for myself. Upon waking up I immediately felt awful and then for a small moment it bled into a general "okay-ness."  I can't really talk about this anymore without feeling like I'm boring or irritating my friends... but the bitterness I feel is sometimes more than I can bare.  I'm trying my damndest to get past it... but I guess the repreve I was given has worn off or expired.   Here's to managing the hopeless moments with more moxy than you think you have. Later, Vicious J Current Mood: rejected Current Music: Coheed and Cambria (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
3:58 pm	So I haven't updated this one in a while... how about some shitty poetry?!  Enjoy... or not.   Subscription - Wednesday, December 14 Ruminating possible futures for Something I can no longer recall And in truth, could care less about.   It’s a story as old as time itself But a drink or two inside Will reveal the tenets of a faith I no longer subscribe to…   So pray dear friend, That these lessons may forge New knowledge of a past too close To let go of… And too far away to be practical.   It is in this semblance of intelligence I’m found wallowing in the shadows Of a lonely evening.   And the recollection of misery and misfortune Attach to the soul of an ordinary day. Ordinary in the sense that’s it is too soon forgotten.   So stand tall agents "Black" and "White," Your duty belies a sense of Fairness in a world without sight.   For ethical treatments of virtue Hold up the night With shattered supports and False prophets speaking of solidarity.   It is in this we sleep... It is in this, we die.   -Vicious J Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Quitter - Edgewater (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 29th, 2005
12:24 pm	Lyrically Speaking... This is something Jako and I came up with this weekend... he actually came up with the music and these are the words I put down... for now.  I'm still deciding whether or not I like them.  There's no real metaphor here as this is actually based on dreams I've been having lately.  There's probably room for another verse or two, but the muse only gives me two and a chorus at a time for some reason. In Dreams  Words by Vicious J, Music by the Jakobeast August 27, 2005 You see me and I seem to be fading fast, It’s either this, or I get swallowed by the past. I’ve spent some time, trying to move on from you… And every night in these dreams you still break my heart in two   There nothing left here behind this skin, I must admit this is a war I thought I’d win… I wonder does the truth keep you awake at night? Do you still reach for me when you can’t see the light?   In dreams I see you and you’re standing there, And all I can do is wonder if you still care… I can’t wake up and I feel useless and unfair, Won’t you take me out of this nightmare?   Paint me something that’s not a lie, Another place where I know sleep can’t hide. I’ve been awake so long, my mind is trashed, I thought I had what it took to get through and pass… In dreams you slowly steal my soul, I’m dead inside and I think that you should know: I’m holding on to a picture of us… And I don’t want to let go.  Why can’t I let you go?   In dreams I see you and you’re standing there, And all I can do is wonder if you still care… I can’t wake up and I feel useless and unfair, Won’t you take me out of this nightmare?   Current Mood: tired Current Music: Everything Changes - Staind (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 25th, 2005
12:44 pm	We don't "play" music... we "commit" it. Ok, here's where I pimp myself out to the masses.  So if the evite (which I fucked up - I don't think I'm ever using it again) didn't make it's way to you, here's your official notice.  For the uninitiated... I play rhythm/lead guitar and do a considerable amount of singing in my father's band, Big Ned and Electra 225.  At least I do at this one gig a year we seem to have. So, come one, come all (if'n you find yourself in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago) to the Taste of Roselle Friday, August 5 starting at 6:00pm.  Where else do you get to see a young, very white kid from the suburbs pretend that he has the chops to cover some of the greatest blues musicians ever known? If you need more information concerning directions and all that jazz, please e-mail (ViciousJ@gmail.com) me or something... "Call it what you want, I call it messin' with the kid..."  -Vicious J (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
3:49 pm	My Perspicacity Knows No Satiety.... I just rememered I still have an account over here in LJ land. It feels like so much of nothing has happened since my last entry... but it has.  For instance I went camping, again.  I wish I had something more insightful to say lately, but mostly its the same old shit that comes rambling through my head.  Oh!  I have to go to the doctor's next week.  I might also be meeting up with Angel Pie for dinner.  I've been thinking about her a lot lately.  And it's always followed with the same steely resolve I save for these occasions: to suck it up and tell myself I can't keep thinking that way.  That I have to accept the change and move on.  The last couple days have been incredibly hard for some reason and a part of my brain is feeling like all the progress I made in the last month has been worth nil.  I know this is not true, but it doesn't help the recovery process all that much. I also have to keep reminding myself that this is insignificant in the grand scheme of things and that I'm sure my pathetic romantic life is probably not the kind of fodder the average person would want to entertain themself with.  Alas, my egotism wins out and here I am typing away as though I actually give a damn about other's opinions.  I'm still breathing... and fortunately for me - that's a good thing. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Thousand Mile Wish - Finger Eleven (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
4:18 pm	moving forward... for all it's worth. so I figured it's been a while since I've updated over here. not much to say.  tired (as usual), a little cranky (as usual), and horny (as usual) - thus is the "Vicious" experience.  lather, rinse, and repeat and you have my weekly curse. otherwise... things are generally ok.  as good as they can be.  I meet up with her tonight in what I'm thinking will be a final airing of grievances.  to say it no longer hurts would be a lie, but to say that I'm losing sleep over this situation wouldn't be the truth either. the truth is - I finally realized I was never going to get what I wanted from her, and that no amount of waiting or sacrifice was going to make that happen.  it's not even that I was blinded by my love for her... I just believed in it too much.  things crumble, that's a part of life... the sooner I make peace with that, the better off I'll be.  my mantra as of late has been, "On to bigger and better things..." and sometimes it's the only prayer I have, cuz while the demons have been put to bed - occasionally one still gets up for a glass of water or to watch television for a spell. and on that note.  I'm out, work has been riding me pretty hard lately (it's just too bad a woman hasn't) and as I sit here and waste time it beckons. later kids. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Angel Eyes - John Hiatt (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
8:37 am	Burned To Rudimentary Instances of Shaping the Heart – April 2nd, 2004 Soft light stands still and in its wake follows her fleeting steps, She graces the ground, barely touching and floats to me in ever-fading dreams, Consciously aware of nothing, I breathe for the first time and there is dawn in her eyes, A million more futures unfold before me and I am once again filled with satiety… To damn this devil’s curse, bearing no more malice to the alliance of spirit, I am guided not by what I know is right, but what might surely kill me.. This spirit becomes the docent for love not yet known, And as she flits about me like a soft mist, she coats my wounds in the salve of ecstasy, I am alive in my passion, roaring quietly through the chambers of this temple, This nurse, this heart is all, And I will not turn away, lest that which calls itself, “love”, burn me. May the loved man pray that she sees my light before I’m awash in hers… Or be forever damned to walk in solitude. Just stumbled upon this... this poem is now a few years old.  While the inspiration that created this may be dead, I look at it like an archaeologist looking upon the remains of a love once known, now long gone.  Women say they want romance... they want poetry and gifts.  But when you supply everything and don't feel like it was appreciated you realize an important thing: they don't really know what the hell they want.  Which leads to another sobering thought: does anyone? Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: My Immortal - Evanescence (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
8:19 am	Just some lyrics from some guys who've been where I am... No real entry, just some lyrics I wanted to share. Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache Seek me Call me I’ll be waiting This distance This dissolution I cling to memories while falling Sleep brings release And the hope of a new day Waking the misery of being without you Surrender, I give in Another moment is another eternity (Seek me) For comfort (Call me) For solace (I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart (Seek me) Completion (Call me) I’ll be waiting (I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart You know me You know me all too well My only desire to bridge our division In sorrow I speak your name And my voice mirrors Mirrors my torment (Seek me) For comfort (Call me) For solace (I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart (Seek me) Completion (Call me) I’ll be waiting (I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart Am I breathing? My strength fails me Your picture a bitter memory For comfort For solace (Seek me) For comfort (Call me) For solace (I’ll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart Ben Folds - Give Judy My Notice Judy, Could anyone be loved any more Than I love you? Does it hurt you too? Oh Judy, Ive been feeling small too long I love you so, But something's wrong And I come running when you want me here, And when you want me to I disappear. Judy I knew, If I made it easy for you, You'd settle for me Yeah, eventually But Judy, I can't be myself anymore. Its way too hard, Being loved by default. And I can't do this any longer, ooh The vacuum left is so much stronger, ooh Judy Judy you know I'm not mad anymore At least most of the time But it could take a while And I've been living just to see you smile Every once in a while Tears fall, But that don't mean nothin' at all It's just 'cause I said it first, Yeah, that's why it hurts ya. And Judy, I wont be your bitch anymore And follow you round, And hold the door. And I'm not sorry if you're not sorry, ooh, And you're not sorry until I make you. Judy Judy Give Judy my notice Give Judy my notice Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Danza Espanola - Enrique Granados (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 19th, 2005
11:16 am	Colorgenics... Damn this shit is creepy accurate... or just one hell of a coincidence: You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans. You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society. It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offense, but as matters stand you realize that you'll have to make the best of things as they are. You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry. You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non-fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes. Current Mood: listless Current Music: Bound to Ramble - John Butler Trio (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
4:11 pm	When do you give up and when do you ride the weather out? These are the questions that tumble through my brain. If neglection is an art form - I think I've made plenty a muse. And that's all I got. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: I:Grave - Allegro di molto e con brio - Beethoven (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
3:05 pm	Curiouser and Curiouser... I'm wondering how easy it would be to keep this as a space for more personal reflection... I mean EJ is great, but there's an audience there that I sometimes cater to (and I'm not complaining about that at all - I thrive in it most times). It might be nice to just have a spot where I'm not going to worry about spelling or how "intelligent" (and I use that term loosely) I sound. A place to vent my frustrations and neuroses that I don't typically share with the rest of the world. Perhaps this could be the "journal" I set out to make instead of my place for worldly observations. I mean the three people that would drop by here (and I'm not even sure how often) most likely wouldn't care about how droll and insignificant these musings would be. Maybe this truly could show the other side of Vicious? I've already started with some poetry, but I've been itching to scratch my fictional story writing ability (again, a term used quite loosely). Something to think about, anyway... if you read this, do leave me a message - I'd be curious to see how many people drop by here. If you need a topic, just tell me something about the last time you farted in public. Current Mood: numb Current Music: Getting Away With Murder - Papa Roach (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 6th, 2005
1:09 pm	looks like the weekend will be busy. props go to the woman who gave me life as it probably hasn't been too easy being the mother of Vicious. You rock, Mom. Other news I'd just love to spill, but I've been sworn to secrecy on penalty of death for revealing. So it stays in the "vault." At least until someone gets me drunk enough. Yeah. So I'm heading out to get me some lunch and hang out with my friends at the mall. Yes, I'm almost 24 years old and I just said that. I'd like to call it "shopping" but I'm probably just gonna mallrat. Hey, you gotta excel at something, right? Take care of eachother... Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Beautiful - The Dreaming (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
9:13 am	Am I Alone in Here? It's only fog and I can't see why you won't just look at me. Take a drive and clear this head While you refuse to give me death. Watching a phone that never rings I'll forever wait for what forever brings. It's in your hands and you hold it still But careful, pet - this silence kills. Yep - a whole lot of nuthin' again. I hate my sinuses. Mmmmhmmm. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Forfeit - Chevelle (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
8:56 am	So Damn Unusual ***edit*** 5/2/05 It's so damn unusual. To be here now. The grinder of bones... Experiencing the ever-growing glower of the ghost that calls itself, "Paranoia" Take my hand and lead me, read me, seed me. To the rose-bush under the viaduct, saddled with images of the Madonna in tears: her eyes, the promise that tomorrow might bring with it a bag less of these myseries, the mysteries of today. Or maybe this is just a road-side attraction and I... I'm just selling tickets to the hope that there might be hope. meh. I got nothing. just sleepiness. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Solitude - Edwin McCain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
3:46 pm	Poof So it's like a new game with me. Where'm I gonna post today? Here? There? Both? Aha! Only the Vicious One knows. But then he really doesn't. Shit, that fucker doesn't even know what he's doing for dinner. Meh. I figure I'm gonna keep my entries here pretty lite. Just a place to write incoherently about nothing. I had a fleeting thought about dedicating this to more of my prose-ish efforts or perhaps some of the poetry I've been known to dabble in, but I'm not sure if I want to litter the information super-highway with literary refuse. Of course that doesn't seem to stop me with EJ, but then I think I have quite a larger readership over there than I do here (I'm at about 2,000 hits this month, which means that either I have a stalker or I'm more popular than I thought)... and the people that stop by here are part of the same group over there. Could I use anymore pronouns? Drop a note or don't - however the spirit may move thee. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: Paper Thin - John Hiatt (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
3:35 pm	Well... Thanks to the genius of Kenz... I now have my avatar in all it's avatar glory. So there. I think I have stuff to say but here and now may not be the appropriate venues for such discourse. I should send a shout out to JJ too, for offering to help resize this shit, too. You guys both rock in that "holy shit this band is fucking great!" kind of way and not that, "wow, this is the finest piece of granite I have ever laid eyes upon" kind of way. Although, most assuredly if you both were rocks - you would be the coolest kinds. Yes, I realize how lame I am. Get over it, I have... sorta. Take care, kids. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Everybody's Got Something To Hide... - The Beatles (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 18th, 2005
11:48 am	take two... Ugh. I'm not sure I dig the layout of this place. Too confusing not "user friendly" enough. Then again, I need things to be patently simple for me to understand them. Dillitant am I. Still peeved that I have to resize my avatar before I can get it all posted up over here. I mean, what's the Veej without his Spidey avatar? I'll tell you... it's half a Veej. Well as exciting as this is, methinks I'll head to my real journal for REAL life half-assed musing about the world at large. I can feel the excitement in here. -VJ Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Gravedigger - Dave Matthews (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 15th, 2005
9:18 am	Alright... so Livejournal won't let me leave anonymous comments anymore... so I figured I would open this area up so that I could have access. Who knows, maybe I'll end up using this for something else. What the fuck is with this small shit for my avatar? -ViciousJ Current Mood: cynical Current Music: Aerosmith - Angel (3 Comments |Comment on this)